“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” -Henry David Thoreau
I don’t know it all, in fact, I am not sure that I know anything except that we are all trying to figure life out. I spend many of my days lost within my own thoughts and experiences. More than once I have come to a place of being found only to discover that in fact, I am just lost in a different place than I was before.
I am an empath, someone who can ALWAYS see both sides, positive to a fault and a peacekeeper at heart. But, I also understand that the world is full of dark places, some of which I have navigated, many that I have not. There is learning that can be done in the highs, lows, and mundane of life.
I hope that you can both relate with me, and grow with me, as I reflect and seek to gain perspective through the experiences of life.
It is so nice to meet you.
If you and I were to meet in person I would not tell you about myself. I would most likely ask you about yourself and enjoy getting to know you. You would get to know me conversationally because if I tried to tell you about myself I would most likely stumble around my words trying to decide if they actually fit. In the end, I would leave you with something that resembled a pile of clothing at the bottom of a dressing room floor. You know, the pile left after you have tried them all on and none of them were exactly right. They could work, some of them even kind of worked but to commit to one felt impossible. I have tried multiple times to write an official bio, but it does not fit. So, I am going to give you my ever changing biography in the form of conversation.
I am imperfect. I love life. I love God, my family, my job, and people. I am a learner of new things and I contemplate most things. I am an empath and a peacekeeper. I seek to understand. Sometimes I get mad and yell. Most times I get mad and calm down before I address the situation. I am a competitor I don’t like to lose, but I believe that there is learning that can be done in defeat. I mess up a lot so I have gotten really good at apologizing (most of the time). I am forgiving, but sometimes I am too quick to speak the words of forgiveness and I sweep feelings under the rug only to have them resurface at a later date. I am laid back by nature, but if I do find myself stressed I recognize all the unhealthy ways that I seek control. I love food. I hate clutter (unless it’s mine…then I don’t really notice it!) When people are mean I either get defensive, dismissive, or I make up a story that explains why they are mean. I am an overall positive person, but I am getting comfortable with uncomfortable feelings and conversations so that my positivity is not blind and toxic. The relationships I choose to invest in make me better. To understand me you have to know about them.
My relationships are strong and deep and they make me who I am.
I am a christian. my journey with the Lord has been lifelong. I grew up in church and I got really good at going to church. However, as an adult I found the Lord. The path to Him was lined with mistakes and a whole lot of trying to do things on my own. I am a work in progress and He is teaching me daily. I pray that you will hear his voice in my words and that He will use me to communicate His love to you.
I am a wife. My husband, Chris, is a high school football coach. He is my best friend. We are not perfect individuals and we most certainly do not have a perfect marriage. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most importantly he makes me feel like I am home when I am with him. You will hear his voice and perspective in my words as he challenges my “land of the gray” lens with his ‘black and white” lens. I believe that at the end of my life I will look back and find that our marriage, good times and bad, was one of the true accomplishments of my life.
I am a mother who has been blessed with two children Collins who is 9 and Calloway who is 5. Collins is a miniature me in so many ways. It has been, and will be, both a delightful and painful experience to watch her grow and learn in this world. I wish so badly that she could see herself through my eyes. She is the reason that I offer myself more grace. You will hear her voice in my words because she is teaching me about myself and why I am the way I am more than anyone else in my life. Calloway looks just like his daddy, but oh how we share the second child characteristics. He loves to make people laugh. He loves to connect with his people. He is shy, he is charismatic, and he is all boy. You will hear his voice in my words because he reminds me to slow down and enjoy life, to fill it with things that make me happy, and to keep working until I get things right (unless I get tired…then he is teaching me to rest) We also love two dogs, Gus and Ralphie they are big dogs that think they are little dogs.
I grew up in Joplin Missouri where my mom and dad still live. They are retired educators and still to this day are some of my favorite people in the world. You will get to know them through me because you will hear their voices and wisdom in my words. If you were to describe them each in one word my mom would be joy and my dad would be wise. The word to describe them as a couple would be selfless. My sister lives in Indianapolis. She is also in education and her story is one that brings great glory to the One who made us. You will also get to know her through my writing because the relationship that she and I have is so unique. She and I, at our core, are the same but we are also some of the most opposite people you will meet. Our relationship, and her voice, give me a different lens in which to view life.
God knew from the beginning that I would need a circle of friends stronger than most. Throughout my 35 years he has placed in my path, an irreplaceable group of women. They have all at different times pushed me, held me, corrected me, sat with me, held space for me, encouraged me, loved me and given me a sense of belonging in the world even on my darkest days. You will hear their voices and the wisdom I have gained from them in my words because they inspire me.
By day I get to be an elementary school counselor. I say by day, but really it bleeds into night. I often times have people tell me they could not do what I do. They could not work with kids all day long or they could not deal with the sadness that comes with some of the stories I hear. However, what they do not understand is that I cannot believe I get to do my job. To get to go to work each day and spend time with the next generation is gift. Each day I am teaching them, but if they only knew how they were teaching me. You will hear their voices in my words because they remind me to play, to forgive easily, to dream, to be teachable and to find pleasure in the small things!
Take your time to get to know me if you like. If this reader/writer relationship is meant to be time and circumstance will tell. I find that I can’t always trust my first instincts about people, more often than not regardless of first instincts I find something I love and/or admire about each person. Sometimes it takes the messiness of life to really get to know someone. When their true self is exposed through difficult circumstances and pathways to genuine relationships open. My prayer is that through my words you are able to get to know my heart and maybe even take a few things with you on your own complex journey.